to Pick a Mate
Dr. Ben Kim
long felt that choosing a life partner should be a subject that is
thoroughly discussed sometime in high school and perhaps even in university.
It amazes me that so little time, if any, is given to considering
this topic on a meaningful level in school.
as I can tell, it's probably the single most important decision that
all of us can make.
is that most people who get married in modern society don't have the
foresight and life experience needed to make the best possible choice.
that some people do think things out to a degree that would make Dr.
Phil and Oprah proud, but from my little spot on the planet, it looks
like most of us, myself included, rely mainly on our instincts to
choose the one person we want to be with forever.
wouldn't we? Society teaches us that love is what matters. Love is
the only thing that matters. And what is love? Isn't it that
special feeling that occupies your thoracic cavity and makes you feel
here are some thoughts that I would like my loved ones to consider
in choosing a life partner:
it's not about if you love him. It's if you actually like him.
is in knowing if what you are feeling is genuine like as
opposed to fool's like, which I think is really just a symptom
of being intoxicated with lust (which I don't have anything against
- I just wouldn't recommend choosing a life partner with fool's
like being a primary source of fuel to maintain a healthy relationship).
you know if you genuinely like and admire him? Ask yourself if you
would want your child or future child to marry someone like him. And
in answering this question, think about how he consistently behaves,
not what he says.
of us know, feelings of "being in love" come and go. I wouldn't want
to rely on such feelings to keep my life partnership healthy and intact.
Much better, I think, to have a foundation of genuine like
in place. Because ultimately, we want to spend our time with those
we genuinely like.
do you like her?
drop dead gorgeous, having a trust fund, and taking good care of you
are all weak reasons to like someone. They belong in the what
she can do for me category, which includes the need-to-have-a-trophy-partner-by-my-side-so-that-I-feel-less-like-the-troll-that-lives-deep-within-me
reason. Not a very solid foundation.
make you laugh your socks off? You admire the way she treats others,
especially in instances when she is unaware that you are aware of
what she is doing? She inspires you to strengthen your character?
You respect her work ethic? Here and there, she blows you away with
her thoughts? Now we're talking about some power fuel to
sustain feelings of respect, genuine like, and even adoration
for a lifetime.
have the same basic attitudes and beliefs about religion?
do both of you have about the same tolerance level for other people's
beliefs? If not, think carefully about how this might affect the way
that you feel about raising your children together.
of you have similar feelings on having or not having children? If
both of you want to have children, do you have a good inkling of what
type of parent your partner would make?
you relatively clear on how much time you would like to spend with
parents, siblings, relatives, and friends on both sides of your family?
the type that would absolutely love having your parents in their golden
years living next door or at least in the same town, I would suggest
making this perfectly clear and asking your potential life partner
to give this careful consideration and letting you know how it sits
with him or her.
that very few life experiences can create more sorrow than not being
able to spend time with your loved ones or, on the other side of the
fence, being forced to spend time with people who make it clear through
their behavior that they don't cherish you.
have similar money values?
do both of you like to spend your money on? Do you spend the bulk
of your money on things or experiences? How much do you spend on items
and experiences that aren't essential to your survival? How much do
you like to save?
are the big ones for me. They're the issues that rise above the inevitable
squabbles that accompany all life partnerships and float around in
potential deal-breaker territory.
clear, if you just don't like who the other person is (not as obvious
as you'd think or hope in the honeymoon phase), if you don't really
laugh together, if you don't have the same basic attitudes about religion,
having children, raising children, other family members, close friends,
and money, you have one or more deal-breakers staring you in the face.
who genuinely care for you won't want to hear "but I love him." Because
they'll be able to see what you can't see in the moment; that what
you have isn't the kind of love that can sustain a healthy life partnership;
it's something else that will probably make you want to punch yourself
in the face a few times every day for the rest of your life beginning
in the near future.
I'm getting carried away, but hopefully, my thoughts on this topic
are clear. And for sure, they're just my thoughts, things that I hope
my loved ones consider before they choose to get married, should they
decide that marriage is for them.
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