Relationships:
Nature's Annoying Way of Forcing You to Grow
By Bill Harris
Director, Centerpointe Research InstituteSince my recent divorce I've been thinking a lot about romantic relationships and the role they play in our lives. There's nothing like a good, resounding failure at something to get you re-examining things!
Then, after the latest Centerpointe retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, in which the attendees had what I can only describe as an EVEN MORE amazing transformational experience than usual, the retreat staff (and especially our brilliant PhD psychologist Dr. Beverlee Marks Taub) began talking about creating a Centerpointe couple's retreat.
Relationships seem to be the venue in which the greatest amount of our "stuff" comes to the surface for most people (money and health seem to be the other two biggies). If we have unresolved wounding, or any issues needing attention, a relationship will surely pull it to the surface and force us to look at it. In addition, relationships are one of the most primary aspects of life. Without them, not only would life not continue, it would be lonely and dry. Relationships give life passion and juice, and make it possible to handle the ups and downs of life more easily.
How ironic that they are very often a major source of anguish and conflict.
As part of my renewed quest to improve my own ability to have a satisfying romantic relationship in my life, I went back and re-read Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. Harville -- best-selling author, nationally-known creator of Imago Therapy, and frequent guest on Oprah -- is a good friend and a member of the Board of Advisors of my other company, SelfIMPROVE.com. Harville's counsel was very helpful in my making it through my recent divorce relatively unscathed (at least emotionally, that is).
Harville has, in my opinion, come up with the most elegant -- and most practical -- model of how relationships work, how and why we are attracted to certain people, how relationship conflicts arise, and how to use them to create dramatic personal and spiritual growth.
Harville says that we each create an internal model in our unconscious mind, which he calls the imago. The imago is made up of a composite of the characteristics -- positive and negative -- of our primary care-givers. This would include major personality traits, such as being introverted or extroverted, humorous or humorless, generous or stingy, argumentative or unassertive, serious or fun-loving, and so on. It might include ways of dealing with conflict, or the ability (or lack of ability) to be affectionate, and other personal characteristics. It also includes subtle things like body type, color of hair, subtle smells, tone of voice, the way a person holds their body, the way they move, and so on.
When we meet someone, our radar for these subtle and not-so-subtle characteristics and cues resonates with something deep inside us. If there are a lot of matches, we feel tremendous chemistry, if only a few, a lessor amount, and if none, we feel very neutral about the person. And sometimes one person feels a tremendous match, but the other doesn't -- hence, unrequited love!
As you may have noticed, the very things that attract you to the other person (for example, he/she is more playful, you are more serious, but his/her playfulness attracts you because on some level it unconsciously reminds you of one of your primary caregivers and also fills in a "lost" part of you) after a while begin to annoy you and create conflict in the relationship. Issues begin to surface and the power struggle begins. There are things each person wants, whether it is more affection, more space, more communication, less communication, your being more conventional, your being more spontaneous, or whatever, that your partner does not (or cannot) seem to provide.
This sets up conflict, hurt feelings, fighting (or distancing), and can provide a lifetime of fuel for suffering -- or fuel for growth. Not understanding this dynamic and how to work with it is the real reason for the fact that over 50% of marriages end in divorce.
According to Harville, the dichotomy of what you want/need versus what your partner is willing or able to provide is not only the source of a power struggle and potential suffering, it is also a major opportunity in terms of a person's growth.
What you want or need, but are not getting, reflects your unmet childhood needs and the wounds surrounding them. What you are unwilling to give reflects parts of yourself you have disowned in some way. This material, then, provides a way for couples to provide healing for each other's childhood wounds as well as a way to reintegrate those parts that had to be repressed in order to be safe in one's family situation.
This mean that the giving of what is needed heals both people. In receiving what you needed but never received as a child -- and still so desperately want now -- old wounds are healed. And in giving what seems so hard to give, disowned parts are reintegrated back into one's personality, creating greater individuation and greater wholeness. And, overall, this process creates much greater intimacy, caring, and love between partners and gradually eliminates the power struggle and all the suffering that goes with it.
Harville has created a very systematic method for teaching couples what the imago is, what it is individually for you and your partner, why you are attracted to each other, why you have conflict, and how you can begin identifying and meeting the needs and wants that will allow healing to happen. Starting with small stuff and gradually working your way up to bigger, more highly charged issues, this method creates real change and healing in romantic relationships.
I have barely done the Imago theory of relationships justice here, so I suggest you read the book (it's a GREAT book, and will really open your eyes regarding relationship dynamics).
So how does all of this relate to Centerpointe and Holosync? What I have found in almost 16 years of experience with Holosync and over 33,000 people using it in 58 countries, is that the tremendous increase in self awareness created by using Holosync to meditate creates a dramatically increased ability to benefit from and put into practice the principles Harville teaches (and, as a matter of fact, any other personal growth system they might use). Holosync users are able to notice the relationship dynamics better, and stay calm and focused in dealing with the exercises and processes Harville teaches. They are able to step outside the "automatic response mechanisms" that usually control them when they slip into dysfunctional feelings and behavior patterns. Eventually, Holosync users leave behind dysfunctional patterns entirely.
As always, be well.
William Harris
Director, Centerpointe Research Institute
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